TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Sure, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, the town historically noted for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be huge. Incredible!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed with the putting environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A few of the most effective. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely away from place. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable h2o. But yes, certain, let's have Yet another area exactly where American Guys can use robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though earlier negotiations failed less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is simpler: offer Anyone a collection within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is gentle ability," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock desires much less diplomats and even more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside of a war zone. It's that he really should prevent utilizing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned regarding the task, replied, "You already know, person, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Great people. Good tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit from the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping kinds a large Trump head visible from Room, a characteristic remaining marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents and also the chin is… properly, categorised.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits right after acquiring the Trump Tower Damascus building's gold plating reflected a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fire to a local melon cart.


"It can be not merely ugly. It's a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Complicated Functions


Perhaps the strangest factor on the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium the place attendees may possibly contemplate vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, full with local weather Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Nearby Syrians are unsure what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-calendar year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Method: "In the event you Bomb It, They Will Appear"


The advert campaign, just lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Permanently."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll done inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "where by's the nearest elevator for the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The undertaking is now attracting attention from Worldwide traders, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll acquire 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage may even include things like:




  • A Greenback Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Portion Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to hold out to view a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a resort wherever my PTSD can have change-down support."


Yet another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Studies propose:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to make a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Closing Thoughts with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It needed gold. It necessary a waterslide formed much like the Constitution. I gave everything a few. You are welcome."

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